To Jonghyun

I haven’t really written a proper response to this yet, but here it goes.

Honestly waking up to the news was one of the most shocking things ever. What could have happened? Is it real? How is one supposed to process that kind of information? I had been away from the personal lives of idols for a long time because it’s not healthy. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t even know about his depression and it hurts so much.

In 2010 through 2012, I had depression. Many times I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill myself but I wanted to die, hit by a bus or something. Every night going to sleep was so tough because there was this tight grip around my heart and it wouldn’t go away. I was fresh out of high school, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I felt ugly, alone and like I was going to amount to nothing.

I’d fall asleep later than everyone and wake up first, I’d have issues sleeping. When you’re sad, you usually know why and you just have to go and fix it or get over the reason why you’re sad. Right now I’m sad. Back then I was not. There was no reason, there was just a pain in my chest, my heart was in pain and I couldn’t fix it because I didn’t know how.

This would stay with me for two years with me hanging on and going on, until I was ready to move on and do what’s best for me. Through that time, it was the existence of many of these singers, of music, of my dreams that got me through it. They were the reason for my depression but also my remedy.

Jonghyun was a big part of this and to think that he was feeling what I felt is so heartbreaking. To think that he was going through this, taking pills to sleep. It hurts so much that I couldn’t do for him what he unknowingly did for me.

It’s through tears and pain that I have to say goodbye but his death shouldn’t be in vain. He didn’t die for no reason. This is to show us that mental health issues are real and are a disease. It’s not just something that can be brushed off as a personality issue or a mood. It needs to be dealt with and people have to come forward about it.

How many of these idols are going through this right now? How many of them feel this pain? I would never wish that kind of pain on anybody. Ever. So let’s not let this be the end, let us celebrate his life. Let us keep on fighting for our loved ones, for our dreams and never let others be alone. Let us work harder together.

We love you and will always love you so much Jonghyun. I hope that your soul is free and that you are in peace. It doesn’t matter what religion you’re, but let’s send him off with love so that he’s free.

Doctors, this is a disease. Start treating it as such. Save lives, like you’re supposed to. Depression is real.

수고했어요 형. 지금까지 많이 힘들었지만…

From: KpopVocalAnalysis, Ahmin

20 thoughts on “To Jonghyun

  1. I’m so heartbroken with this and, also having gone through similar things, I know exactly how he felt. I know what it’s like to be close of your own death. It’s something very serious. But fortunely, I had help. He didn’t. And it’s one of the things that most hurt about this all.

    Knowing that he died without help, without anyone to blame but himself, is just… so painful.

    But Jonghyun… you’ve touched a lot of lives, with good reasons. You deserve to rest well. The pain you suffered, you’ve never deserved it. All you needed was love. And, no matter where you are right now, I hope you find love. And I hope you found the end for the pain you were feeling when you passed away. No human being can end their own life without feeling a hole inside their heart. A deep hole.

    If anyone can help, please:
    It’s a petition to help other idols before they end in the same way. Mental health issues are problems. More than this: they are very serious diseases.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. After hearing about shinee’s jong hyun’s passing, i’ll never be able to look at another idol who’s smiling and laughing and see them to be happy, i’ll always be wondering if they’re truly happy and not tormented and dying inside. Jong hyun’s death should wake us up, should alert Korea’s entertainment industries and their whole entertainment system. I’m not going to blame anyone for his death rather I want everyone to learn from him, I wish for idols to see and realize that they don’t have to be perfect and they don’t have to be better than they already are, they don’t have to keep beating themselves up and torturing themselves. As a kpop fan in general, i hope all the lucky fans who ever get to see their idols in real life, tell them this,

    “You’ve done a great job and you don’t have to beat yourself up to be better, everyone is different and unique and we love you for who you are, take time to enjoy, live and be relaxed. Don’t forget that we’re here for you and that under no circumstances are you alone, ‘YOU ARE NOT ALONE’ you did well and if you need to talk to someone, please talk to your family and friends, don’t hold it in, ‘TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU FEEL’ and never ever regret your decisions”

    Please all kpop fans, reach out to your idols and hold their hands, make them stronger, help them live, all the stupid rules and heartless comments should stop. Especially, members of a fandom, let your idol be happy, let them date, let them marry, let them take a break, let them do what makes them happy, they are not our toys to do whatever we say, just because we pay for concert tickets and buy their merchandise does not allow us to rule their lives, please let them live happily and not just be happy and smiling for the camera or the fans. This is my sincere advice and I wish that all idols will know that they’re not alone and that they’ve done well and we’re proud of them.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Yes we don’t know what is behind their smiling mask.

      I have a trainee friend (her teacher likes to gossip), who knows a lot of kpop idols who have a therapist or psychiatrist. I won’t name these idols. But clearly Jonghyun had a doctor. And his doctor was horrible.

      These doctors need to be trained properly to deal with mental health. The way Jonghyun’s doctor dealt with him was horrible and unethical. Something needs to be done with these doctors who just brush their clients cry for help aside.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. I think for me , I can somehow see whether the idol is really happy or they just pretending. Take a look at their eyes , his smile didn’t reach his eyes , and almost look sad ( to me )


  3. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this resonated with me. Waking up to the news was surreal; it felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, just waiting to wake up. And hearing about your struggles with depression brought back so much of my own experience that I could never quite put into words, but you’ve done so beautifully. I know it’s never an easy thing to talk about, and I know that Jonghyun’s passing is something that many of us feel deeply affected by – as he got us through many hard times – but you’ve done so in a way that honours his memory and raises an issue that isn’t discussed nearly enough.

    The acknowledgment of depression as a serious issue that requires treatment is long overdue, especially for idols who constantly have to endure the harshest treatment for no sensible reason and bear it because their industry demands it. I’ve seen too many people lose to it, for it to still be brushed off as something that can be resolved by a simple change in perspective. While Jonghyun’s passing pains me a great deal, I’m hoping that this will at least open the doors for things to finally change as drastically as they need to. Pragmatism tells me not to get hung up on the thought, as human nature’s given me no reason to believe that things will ever be that easy, but I truly want it to happen. It needs to happen.

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow I´m just so sad this had to happen for people to understand that depression is a real disease and not something you “do pretend” to have to get attention. And I´m also so sorry you had to go through this Ahmin aswell as I am for Jongyhun. Fighting and don´t give up there are lots of people who love or like you even though we´re several Km away.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Just read this after going to comment section of Taeyeon’s analysis cause I’m curious about how well she does on ‘This Christmas’..

    Thank you for your sharing & this post, Mr. Ahmin…
    I once thought that I dont have any reason to live too..
    And idk how to describe it to anyone…

    Lets from now on, keep support one another, everyone who read this..
    When you feel like you have depression, please realize that you’re not alone…
    And you’re not weird or whatsoever…

    Keep fighting and you can tell/share others (as long they’re trusted) bout your burdens.
    I’m trying to be available as well..

    It’s so heartbroken, even until now…
    Just thinking about Jonghyun..

    Love for everyone..

    Liked by 2 people

  6. The problem is, especially nowadays, that people feel like they own celebrities. I got so sick reading the comments of “fans” or antis, that I can’t help but think “What are you trying to achieve by writing this? Do you think celebrities don’t care?

    Since I’ve been a fan of DBSK back then: They have been complaining about their stalker fans countless times, and only when the video of JYJ hitting and cursing at them was published, did Korea finally do something about it…

    What about Jonghyun – Was this the wake-up call the industry needs? Just like with stalker fans?
    I have a feeling they won’t learn from this incident. Not when I look at the comments, where they started blaming Jonghyun’s band members, family etc.
    I’ve been feeling depressed lately too. When I read his suicide note, I cried so much, because I UNDERSTAND his feelings. He has been very strong. He tried so hard the last few years. He tried to seek help.
    I’m glad you opened up about yourself too. I totally get this. And Jonghyun wrote this too, after all. Do we need such a good reason for feeling bad? Yes, there are people who have it worse than us. Does that mean we’re not allowed to feel bad?
    Jonghyun, out of the whole KPOP fandom, was the person I always related to the most. Since his DEBUT-days, I felt my characters was closest to him…

    Even the strongest celebrities are hurt by comments (I’m thinking about Heechul and Hongki who fight back against hurtful comments)

    I just wish people would finally realize how much a person can be hurt by comments (damn, I’m crying again writing this) and saying “So what? You don’t know these people, why should you care?” is not helping. Especially if you already thought you were the worst.
    Jonghyun felt like he didn’t belong on a stage, or in this world, even. I felt like he was exactly the person they needed. A humble, kind person with a great voice who was not afraid of speaking up for the minority! Because, like he said: Different doesn’t mean wrong.

    And now for what Jonghyun wanted to hear so desperately: You’ve done well. And you were most definitely not weak.

    Thank you for this open-hearted, nice post… I just browsed through your blog a bit more, so I needed to comment on this. Sorry for my english, it’s not my native language.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am very late, but this event really hit me personally that my mind was literally blank for a while, then I would cry, then go back to being blank, and it would repeat. But anyways, I am fine now and I hope you are too! I shouldn’t have read his note but I could relate to a lot of it- he said something about “being happy for his fans but wanting to be happy for himself” (I’m not gonna go back and check, so it might be wrong) and I think it’s sad how many idols are devoting themselves to doing that, that they aren’t taking care of their wellbeing in the end…
    It is also saddening for me to see people brush off depression like it is not real or they just don’t care enough to help that person, and my family is like that so I find myself alone and not knowing what to do to make myself happy. And then there are the idols that make me happy, but I realize that they are suffering too and with the recent tragedy I’m just kind of traumatized with it and the reality of this world. Well, this wasn’t really written with a healthy mindset, but I just thought, “It only takes 1 min to send a post” so here I am hehe (even if it’s taking me an hour right now). I hope in 2018, k-pop becomes better with the topic of mental illness- of course there will be good and bad events this year, but hopefully just the sign of progress will be enough. I hope 2018 becomes better for you too, I knew you were a fan of jonghyun so this must have hurt a lot, and I honestly do not know what to say to make you feel better but I know that you are able to be strong through this and so do many fans. I also knew OF what happened in 2010-2012 but not really the situation itself and I am glad that you shared your story, it is ok let others know you are not ok! I also went through a similar period having lost my voice and losing my friends and family because of it, but I’ve learned to accept things as they are and continue to improve (although I certainly cannot say I’m at a healthy state of mind now lol). This is a LOT longer than I intended, so I will end it right now, but seriously have a happy new year and make sure to take good care of yourself and your family! Peace xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Not like exactly what happen, but in the vocals thread (lol im a stalker) I think you were arguing with someone there and said “don’t speak of 2010-2012” or something like that. Sorry usually I’m not nosy, but I just remember that comment for some reason.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Eu sei que o blog é sobre análise vocal, mas eu queria apenas dizer que o JongHyun me incentivou muito a desistir da vida, pois essa realmente é a única forma de aliviar a dor. Eu não encontro motivos para continuar vivendo, e não há ninguém que possa compreender a não ser alguém que esteja passando ou passou pelo mesmo. Me identifiquei muito com a sua carta, porque é exatamente o que eu sinto. Parabéns pela sua conquista, pelo seu trabalho, pelas suas realizações, por você ter vencido a depressão e ter feito coisas maravilhosas em sua vida. Parabéns também pelo incrível blog, eu realmente aprecio o seu o seu trabalho e a sua dedicação.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dear Ahmin, you are amazing. You answered harsh comments with such professional and proper reply so it’s shocking me how depressed you were. You are incredible, Ahmin. Your choice of words and knowledge prove it all. Please feel free if you want to take some times alone, or if you want to share the burden thoughts furthermore with us. You got us. Cheer up!
    P.S. there are still lot of things i want to say but english isn’t my first language so pardon me for this real short letter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honey, you have absolutely no reason to apologize. Thank you so much, your English is fine and I genuinely and whole-heartedly appreciate your kind words of support.

      Liked by 1 person

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