I haven’t really written a proper response to this yet, but here it goes.
Honestly waking up to the news was one of the most shocking things ever. What could have happened? Is it real? How is one supposed to process that kind of information? I had been away from the personal lives of idols for a long time because it’s not healthy. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t even know about his depression and it hurts so much.
In 2010 through 2012, I had depression. Many times I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill myself but I wanted to die, hit by a bus or something. Every night going to sleep was so tough because there was this tight grip around my heart and it wouldn’t go away. I was fresh out of high school, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I felt ugly, alone and like I was going to amount to nothing.
I’d fall asleep later than everyone and wake up first, I’d have issues sleeping. When you’re sad, you usually know why and you just have to go and fix it or get over the reason why you’re sad. Right now I’m sad. Back then I was not. There was no reason, there was just a pain in my chest, my heart was in pain and I couldn’t fix it because I didn’t know how.
This would stay with me for two years with me hanging on and going on, until I was ready to move on and do what’s best for me. Through that time, it was the existence of many of these singers, of music, of my dreams that got me through it. They were the reason for my depression but also my remedy.
Jonghyun was a big part of this and to think that he was feeling what I felt is so heartbreaking. To think that he was going through this, taking pills to sleep. It hurts so much that I couldn’t do for him what he unknowingly did for me.
It’s through tears and pain that I have to say goodbye but his death shouldn’t be in vain. He didn’t die for no reason. This is to show us that mental health issues are real and are a disease. It’s not just something that can be brushed off as a personality issue or a mood. It needs to be dealt with and people have to come forward about it.
How many of these idols are going through this right now? How many of them feel this pain? I would never wish that kind of pain on anybody. Ever. So let’s not let this be the end, let us celebrate his life. Let us keep on fighting for our loved ones, for our dreams and never let others be alone. Let us work harder together.
We love you and will always love you so much Jonghyun. I hope that your soul is free and that you are in peace. It doesn’t matter what religion you’re, but let’s send him off with love so that he’s free.
Doctors, this is a disease. Start treating it as such. Save lives, like you’re supposed to. Depression is real.
수고했어요 형. 지금까지 많이 힘들었지만…
From: KpopVocalAnalysis, Ahmin